Come Hither.

iMutilate.



Today is the worst day of my life. You, you fucking had to make me hyperventilate. I sat there, stoned, and wonder if you were to go kill yourself over this, which is the biggest mistake a living person can ever do - to kill themselves over someone so bloody insignificant. My chest was so fucking tight I couldn't breathe.

^{The last time my chest almost gave up on me was because he had to stitch his finger. That intense worry, was as though I'd sobbed for a million years and my ribcage was so compact, for that moment, I stopped breathing.}

And I had to take constant gasps as though I were to die from an attack or something. Fuck man, seriously. I was told to stop doing that whole hyperventilating shit. Why, why me?


I am terribly afraid to get close to you. Maybe it's the lack of prozac I am now taking, or just because I have already planned out everything that is going to happen. I will always make it almost impossible to love me.




When I was on the bus today, I couldn't help but overheard this group of teen vogues wannabes conversation. This girl, she was a little tubby and looked a little rough around the edges, but she spoke so much sense.

She started to rant on about how her boyfriend was calling her fat, and would never kiss her when he saw her and that she could do better. I didn't even know her, but instantly, I was so proud of her. She fiercely wiped the tears from her eyes, and all I wanted to do was hug her and tell her I wish I had her strength. I told myself I'd have a backbone like hers, but I don't. I'm still here waiting for you.


Maybe, just maybe, you should try to leave me alone? I'm doing harm to you, by doing harm to myself.



Oh, fuck. I clawed myself, again. Fuck hyperventilation! Ugh! I always end up sinking my nails into my goddamn skin. They look like fucking rashes, and it's all over my arms. Great job, seriously. I'm going to get shit for doing this. I should have fucking clawed my thighs or something. Yea, so he says I'm so mentally distorted I actually have to resort to such means subconsciously to divert the pain. Fuck you man.



Email, from the mom ;

"If a man wants you, nothing can keep him away. If he doesn't want you, nothing can make him stay. Stop making excuses for a man and his behaviors. Allow your intuition (or spirit) to save you from heartache. Stop trying to change yourself for a relationship that's not meant to be. Slower is better. Never live your life for a man before you find what makes you truly happy. If a relationship ends because the man was not treating you as you deserve then heck no, you can't "be friends". A friend wouldn't mistreat a friend. Don't settle. If you feel like he is stringing you along, then he probably is. Don't stay because you think "it will get better." You'll be mad at yourself a year later for staying when things are not better. The only person you can control in a relationship is you. Avoid men who've got a bunch of children by a bunch of different women. He didn't marry them when he got them pregnant, why would he treat you any differently? Always have your own set of friends separate from his. Maintain boundaries in how a guy treats you. If something bothers you, speak up. You cannot change a man's behavior. Change comes from within. Don't ever make him feel he is more important than you are, even if he has more education or in a better job. Do not make him into a quasigod. He is a man, nothing more nothing less. Never let a man define who you are. Never borrow someone else's man. If he cheated with you, he'll cheat on you. A man will only treat you the way you allow him to treat you. All men are not dogs. You should not be the one doing all the bending. Compromise is two way street. You need time to heal between relationships. There is nothing cute about baggage. Deal with your issues before pursuing a new relationship. You should never look for someone to complete you, a relationship consists of two whole individuals, look for someone complimentary ..not supplementary. Dating is fun, even if he doesn't turn out to be Mr. Right. Make him miss you sometimes, when a man always know where you are, and you're always readily available to him, he takes it for granted. Never move into his mother's house. Never co-sign for a man. Don't fully commit to a man who doesn't give you everything that you need. Keep him in your radar, but get to know others."



Goodnight.



Anchor offshore.