Come Hither.

Don't waste the pretty on him.



Lying next to you, wishing I could disappear. Let you fall asleep, and then vanish out into thin air. I can keep on losing sleep if you're okay with being torn in half. It's the elephant in the room and you pretend you don't see it. It's the avalanche that looms above your head, and you don't believe it. Trying to be perfect, trying not to let you down.

Honesty is honestly the hardest thing for me right now.

"The demand to be loved is the greatest of all arrogant presumptions."
{ Friedrich Nietzsche }

See, the loveless never find love, only the loving find love.
And they never have to seek for it.


----------


Men never are consoled for their first love,
nor women for theirs.

I remembered where I held my first love's hand. The little one spoke like a man. He showed me life, of laughs and colors, and told me, like an eagle in flight, we'll rise above the sea of doubts, into a world full of clouds ... alive.

"Like being on Cloud Nine," he said.
But first love always leave.




Miss you finally ; Trademark

(But I miss you finally
But I miss you finally)

Try to remember all these years
We shared the laughters, shared the tears
Thought that forever it would be
I realize you lie to me
I still hold on
Still dream of days when we were one

[CHORUS]

You played with my heart
You played with my mind
But I miss you finally
Right from the start
My love made me blind
But I miss you finally

All of these promises you made
This four letter word, it seems to feign
Baby it's hard to understand
Now that you're gone
We reached the end
I still believe
Still dream of days when we were one

[Chorus 3X]

You played with my heart
You played with my mind
Right from the start
My love made me blind




A spectator now, I played my part,
but nothing could move this heart again.





but I miss you finally.

Have heart, my dear.




One of the seven deadly sins; envy -

Envy consists in seeing things never in themselves,
but only in their relations.
If you desire glory, you may envy Napoleon,
but Napoleon envied Caesar,
Caesar envied Alexander,
and Alexander, I daresay, envied Hercules ...

Hercules, who never existed.



I know, an overwhelming boredom has overcome me.
You can tell, can't you?
So I sleep to make up for lost time.
And I write about things I can't talk about,
which explains the fluctuating intonations in previous posts.

Of highs and lows.


And I'll always remember the sting of your silence,
when your fingertips caress my unseen scars.

Of non-literal explanations.


They say that with such an open heart,
and such a sensitive soul,
I'll probably spontaneously combust.

So I prefer to stay alone, isolated,
away from the potential pain and deceit and embarrassment.


I'm not smart enough to pull myself out of this cluttered mess.
But I'm not dumb enough to feed myself lies either.
I'll admit, I am strong, yet weak at once.
I am healthy, but suffering.


Yes, I know I speak in melodramatic tongues
with never-ceasing hyperboles.
With metaphors that only serve to exaggerate
the comparisons of all things that make sense to me.



I am a walking contradiction that cannot be figured out,
not even by the best of us.




I am the hurricane you can never outrun.

i frew up :(


Nigel: What are you doing?
Me: Listening to music.
Nigel: Yo, lyn?
My headphones: "Let's have some fun, this beat is sick,
I wanna take a ride ..."
Me: Do you want the honest answer or the bullshit answer?


My life. My choice of music.

Crying tears of blood.

Everybody's starry eyed.


I walked down a busy street,
staring solely at my feet,
clutching pictures of past lovers at my side.

Stood at the table where you sat,
in respect of your presence,
present you with the pictures and says,

"These are just ghosts
that broke my heart before I met you."


Opened up my little heart,
unlocked the lock that kept it dark,
and read a written warning, saying,

"I'm still mourning over ghosts
that broke my heart before I met you,"

Lover, please do not fall to your knees.
It's not like I believe in everlasting love.

I went crazy at nineteen,
knew I'd lost all my self-esteem,
and couldn't understand why I was crying.

I would stare at empty chairs,
think of the ghosts that once sat there,
the ghosts that broke my heart.

"The ghosts that broke my heart before I met you,"

I'm so lost,
I'm not at all well.

Do as done there is nothing left to be.
Turned out I'd been following him,
and he'd been following me.

Do as though after it was over,
we were just two lovers,
crying on each others shoulders.



The world is a cancophony of breaking hearts.

"Have heart, my dear.
We're bound to be afraid."


I'll sing it one last time for you,
then we really have to go ...


I hope that someday,
someone wants to hold you
for twenty minutes straight,
and that's all they do.

They don't pull away,
they don't look at your face,
they don't try to kiss you.

They just wrap you up in their arms,
without an ounce of selfishness in it.




Even if you cannot hear my voice,
I'll be right beside you, dear.




Light up, louder.

I want to lay here in the light of day.






You could be happy ; Snow Patrol

You could be happy and I won't know
But you weren't happy the day I watched you go
And all the things that I wish I had not said
Are played in loops 'til it's madness in my head

Is it too late to remind you how we were
And not our last days of silent screaming blur
Most of what I remember makes me sure
I should've stopped you from walking out the door

You could be happy I hope you are
You made me happier than I'd been by far
Somehow everything I own smells of you
And for the tiniest moment it's all not true

Do the things that you always wanted to
Without me there to hold you back don't think just do
More than anything I want to see you girl
Take a glorious bite out of the whole world.



You say we should spend some time apart for both our sakes.
The splintered mast I'm holding on won't save me long.
And I wonder if you meant the lyrics in the songs you sent.




The last scene; the train station.

You're my latest muse.




His face. It needs mah kissexzs.
It's just this kind of day.

heeeyyyyyyyy.


"It's a shame you don't know what you're running from.
Would your bones have to break and your lights turn off?
Would it take the end of time to hear your heart's false start?
Wipe the mud stains from your face,
stop the engine, stop pretending."


I shouldn't be here. I've a Korean quiz in exactly twenty-three minutes.




I should be on the fucking parapet, all ready to plunge.

FUCK.MY.LIFE.


Disco, baby.

Flies who buzz around your head
and land on your face at 8:30
when you went to bed at 3
are next to Hitler on the evil scale.

"Keeping it classy."


That's what I love about these high school boys -
I get older, they stay the same age.

(At MOS ... )

Me: Brrrroow whoa, hotties, 3 o'clock. Nice.
Mel: Where?
Me: Right there, both of them, in the black and gray hoodies.
Mel: Uhhhh ... do you have your contacts in?
Me: What? Are they dogs?
Mel: More like puppies.
Me: What are you talking about? They're attractive dudes.
Mel: They're brothers. Fifteen, tops. Nice to see you're keeping it classy.
Me: What? No. (moves closer) Oh my god, I just eye fucked the shit out of a minor.
Mel: You're going to hell.

Don't speak of my love like you have experienced love like mine before.



They never understand why I cried for you.
In many years, they may forget this love of ours, or that we met.
They may not know how much you meant to me.
And when you went, I became a hopeless drifter.
And I know you've gone away, but this life was not for you,
though I learned from you, that beauty need only be a whisper.

I'll cross the sea for a different world.



hello, I'll be your velvet girl.

When moonlight falls upon your skin.




Most people think things are not real unless they are spoken,
that it's the uttering of something, not the thinking of it, that legitimizes it.
I suppose this is why people always want other people to say "I love you."

I think just the opposite - that thoughts are realest when thought,
that expressing them distorts or dilutes them.

And grief still feels like fear. Perhaps more strictly, like suspense.
Or like waiting, just hanging around waiting for something to happen.
It doesn't seem worth starting anything. I can't settle down.
I yawn, I fidget, I drink too much.

That's the problem with drinking, I thought, as I poured myself a drink.
If something bad happens, you drink in an attempt to forget.
If something good happens, you drink in order to celebrate.
And if nothing happens, you drink to make something happen.

I take my hangovers as consequences, not as punishments.

Now I'm tired. But there's some things I shouldn't do.
Like falling into the abyss of love.
I spent my life learning to feel less.
Every day I felt less.
Is that growing old?
Or is it something worse?

Because you cannot protect yourself from sadness,
without protecting yourself from happiness.





Wedding Dress; J Reyez. & Tommy C

(Verse 1 – Tommy C)
Never should've let you go
Never found myself at home
Ever since that day that you walked
Right out the door

You were like my beating heart
That I, I can't control
Even though we've grown apart
My brain can't seem to let you go

Thinking back to the old times
When you kept me up late at night
We use to mess around
Laugh and play, fuss and fight

(Pre-Chorus)
I guess it's too late, I'm dancing this dance alone
This chapter's done, the story goes on

(Chorus)
Baby, can't believe that you are not with me
'cause you should be my lady
All I want is to set your heart free

But if you believe that you belong with him
Promise me, you won't let anyone hurt you
Remember, I will always be here for you
Even if it kills me to see you
In that wedding dress
Oh, see you in that wedding dress
See you in that wedding dress
Oh, see you in that wedding dress

(Verse 2)
Snappin' out this misery
Depression, this ain't me
But I always turn around
180 degrees

You got control of me
And I, I can't explain
Somebody call 911 Emergency
Before I go insane

Since you've moved on
You took a piece of me, give it back
So much pain in my chest
Blacking out, heart attack

(Pre-Chorus)
I guess it's too late, I'm dancing this dance alone
This chapter's done, the story goes on

(Chorus)
Baby, can't believe that you are not with me
'cause you should be my lady
All I want is to set your heart free

But if you believe that you belong with him
Promise me, you won't let anyone hurt you
Remember, I will always be here for you
Even if it kills me to see you
In that wedding dress
Oh, see you in that wedding dress
See you in that wedding dress
Oh, see you in that wedding dress

(Verse 3 – J.Reyez)
And I see you with your man and it's hard to understand
If we belong, if I did you wrong, where we even began
We would always fuss and fight, and it seems nothing was right
But I loved you girl, and you were my world, but you'd never trust this guy
'cause the things I do when I'm on the stage, they say I'm a superstar
You couldn't understand all the female fans, and then we grew apart
And I just don't get when you're acting like some other person
But I try my best to hold on at the times when it ain't working

And everytime that you say it's over, it breaks my heart and I don't know why
'cause you've done it a lot of times in the past but I get back up and try
You said we could work it out, how could you hurt me now
And you moved on to the next, I'm left with an imperfect smile

(Chorus)
But if you believe that you belong with him
Promise me, you won't let anyone hurt you
Remember, I will always be here for you
Even if it kills me to see you
In that wedding dress
Oh, see you in that wedding dress
See you in that wedding dress
Oh, see you in that wedding dress.



(Reminds me of Blue October's Congratulations;
equally heart-wrenching, so to speak.)




After all, to you, my problems and anxiety can be reduced to a chemical imbalance,
or some kind of misfiring synapses.

But when your foot falls down through the air, you said there was a sickly moment of dark surprise as you try and read ahead the steps to take.
And the fall, the dark surprise, it only reminds you of the way I thought about things - so candid ... so morbid.


You said you can never love a morbid person.
You said nobody can.
You said nobody will.
Still I said, "I will never hate you."
And I said, "I will never leave you."



So promise me, you won't let anyone hurt you,
like you did to me.

(the twentieth recap.)


Now, the party don't start till I walk in ...



(too gone and wasted.)



(true blood homies.)



(the man behind it all.)



(almost everyone.)




the next day ...






Wake up in the morning feeling like Amy Winehouse.

No offence, but ...


This gon' be some nasty shit.


"Someone's gotta play the role of the alpha and it beats being the sucker in the duo and having to answer to the whims of another. It's either this or you're vulnerable, just not everyone admits to doing it=D"

Someone left a comment on my "semi-serious blah blah" post.
So here's a shout-out, aye, Anonymous;


Yes, to your statement, I do agree that someone ought to play the role of the alpha, and oh boy, trust me, been there, done that. I remain clueless as to why I agreed to the mutual role-change previously. Must have been the weather.

And call me sexist, but ain't that the role of the man to even begin with? Now, seriously, you did not look up the meaning of 'alpha' before posting this, did you? I take offence at your laziness.

Mm, and by 'sucker', I take it you meant the 'bad person' in the relationship? Funny, but may I shoot a question back at you? Why the fuck are you even dating a 'bad guy' who is a 'sucker'? Okay, my bad, judgments were made. I take them back. Okay, then maybe it's just you, y'know, wanting a tinge bit of bad element in your partner, spice up your life. Personally, colors in mine > spice in life. And excuse my indifferent preferences for geeks. Bad boys just ain't my cup of tea. Fuck that, I don't even drink tea.

In all honestly, in my head, I constantly playback the whims of everyday. Impulsive or irrational thoughts, why not? And I thought you like some spice in your life? By the way, it's called thoughts for a reason, and not questions. Nobody asked for your opinions, nobody wants your answers. You just got to live with it, sucker.

Last but not least, thanks for the two options you left me with, though I personally found them very limiting in choice. Since "either" is now out of the question, judging from the scenario you played out to be describing more of yourself than me, you aren't expecting me to choose "vulnerable", are you?

As much as I would like to depict myself in vulnerability, think Damsel in distress, and for that, I was sooooo close to saying, "YESSSSSS!" to vulnerability. But I take it you meant otherwise, you and your poison-leaking words. Tend to embrace paranoia under such intense behind-screen dealings.

To be honest, honey, vulnerable is simply an understatement. I prefer sensitive. And so sensitive I am that I just read you like an open book, merely with those two sentences.

*Call me, and I'll explain your situation to you.


You want to know the reason why, huh, why I'll tell you.
It's because people like you exist.



So remember now, kids,
break dance not hearts, love, break dance.

Peace, out.





And oh, by the way, you left traces of your IP on this blog.
Man, do I find humor in your anonymity.


Maybe that's why your head is so big.
It's full of secrets!


Just sayin ...



(I'll see you soon, sucker.)

Wake up in the morning ... oh, screw this song.



I thought heard my phone fall under my bed
in the middle of the night,


and so I leaped up, ran to my kitchen to grab a broom and tried to fish it out from under my bed for 20 minutes. At 4am. In my pjs. It was actually just sitting by my pillow.

Nothing fell.


I used to think I'm a wuss in a puss,
but at this point in time,
I don't even know what I am anymore man ... I don't even know.


(sidetrack.)




As cultured and civilized as I am,
and I must emphasize that I totally abide by
the safe-sex and sex-after-marriage rule, you guys,
but I'm just popping in to say that I love this man so much,
and I want to bone him uber hard.



Damn, I'm eloquent.

Your Ex-Lover is Dead.


There's one thing I want to say, so I'll be brave.
You were what I wanted, I gave what I gave.
I'm not sorry I met you, I'm not sorry it's over.
I'm not sorry there's nothing to save.

Shit that baby out, girl, come on.


Semi-serious "how I behave in every relationship" post

I have a pattern. A way of doing things that stays rigidly consistent.

Once I see that someone is totally and completely into me,
everything shuts down and I subconsciously do everything in my power
to push them away until they want nothing to do with me
and can't understand why I'm acting that way.

Basically, my opinion of someone decreases really quickly
once they fall in love with me.

No no, it's alright, I'm well aware of how fucked up I am.

At least I'm self aware.
That's all I have in my life at any given time.

I may suck and I may be annoying and I may be a total cunt,
but at least I'm self aware. I mean I'm not going to do anything about it.
But. You know.



WORKIN' ON IT, GUYS.

*FOR stands for Friend of Ryan.

FOR: It's your birthday soon right? Does this mean you're an adult?
Me: I guess so, man, I think I've been an adult for a couple years though ...
FOR: So what are you gonna do now that you're an adult?
Me: I don't know. What do you suggest?
FOR: How about a baby? No wait, how about you get married? Do you smoke? Adults smoke. OH! How about a house? My parents are adults and they have a house.
Me: Thanks, but neh ...
FOR: You know, for an adult you don't do a lot of adult things.
Me: Oh.
FOR: Yea, like you stole all of the Hello Panda when Ryan's not looking, and there's none for us. Adults don't eat Hello Panda. Hello Panda's for kids.
Me, on the inside: FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU.




Why, you little snotty cunt!

A take away show.






Love ; according to children


"When someone loves you,
the way they say your name is different.
You just know that your name
is safe in their mouth."
- Billy, age 4


"Love is what makes you smile when you're tired."
- Terri, age 4


"Love is like a little old woman
and a little old man who are still friends
even after they know each other so well."
- Tommy, age 6


"Love is when Mommy sees Daddy smelly
and sweaty and still says
he is handsomer than Brad Pitt."
- Chris, age 7


"When my grandmother got arthritis,
she couldn't bend over and paint her toenails anymore.
So my grandfather does it for her all the time,
even when his hands got arthritis too. That's love."
- Rebecca, age 8


"When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down
and little stars come out of you."
- Karen, age 7


"You really shouldn't say 'I love you'
unless you mean it.
But if you mean it,
you should say it a lot.
People forget."
- Jessica, age 8

Bottom abyss deep.



I think I need to start channeling Audrey Hepburn
because I'm pretty sure Audrey would never throw up
on her favorite pair of jeans after a night of drinking,
and then get frustrated and fall asleep in the kitchen
trying to take it off.





1. Depression - a disorder of mood characterized by feelings of sadness,
lack of energy, hopelessness, and worthlessness that are seemingly
uncaused by particular life events.

2. Depressed people experience sadness and internal feelings of guilt,
lack of energy, even when things are going well
and they have reason to feel good about themselves.

3. Although it is typical for individuals to feel depression
in the face of traumatic events, such as the death of a loved one,
depression also occurs in the absence of such events.

4. It is perhaps an especially painful experience under such circumstances,
for people are unable to attribute their feelings to external events
and may thus be more likely to attribute them to personal failings.

5. People who are not depressed are more likely to feel happy and energized.
They are more likely to feel worthy and hopeful,
and they recover more quickly from traumatic events that do occur.




In all honesty, I have to post these brutal facts, all in hope it explains my being.
And these, these are the stark differences between you and I.



Denial aside,


This is fucking relapse.

With you here, I'll die slower.



I'm still a bit frightened,
I dip in and out of infatuation.
And infatuation has always gotten me in trouble.

I'm finished with heartbreaks,
and being deceived,
and letting people get to me.

I just want something to last.
That simple.



We all need a boy who respects us.




Some serious shit here, you guys.

I had a massive headache for the majority of the afternoon.

Then I ate ice cream,
and it immediately subsided.

Hmm.



Me thinks this is an issue.

(FML)




I know, story of my life, little guy ...

I wrote this for you.



Give me an Asian baby, and nobody gets hurt.
(Welp, maternal instincts.)



Things I have done today thus far:

-Opened my eyes,
-Picked up my laptop.


Number of times I'd lean back
in my swivel chair and freak out
because I think the chair is about to flip over: About 6


THIS DAY FUCKING RULES!!!




In all truth, the day's pretty average, so far,
but I just wanted an excuse to post this gif.
I'm using it for everything now.




There needs to be some sort of delivery service
that will deliver whatever you want, whenever you want (like 3 A.M.),
in a short period of time.
Oh, and the delivery people will be
male and female models out of job.

So what if I want a single glass of chocolate milk
and a box of tri-color popsicles?
I should be able to get that delivered by
an attractive person in under an hour.


Oh, come on!
What is this world we live in?


Do I have to do EVERYTHING around here?