Come Hither.
Friday, January 29, 2010
Stands above the rulers of the Earth.
I have been wanting to do this post for really long, since the last Praise & Worship session. To be exact then, it was a week's worth of emotional letdown, but truth be told, I felt nothing. The anointing the day before Praise & Worship itself was beyond your wildest imaginations. I slept really well that night.
"Blessed are the pure in heart, for they shall see God."
{ Matthew 5:8 }
"Fear of the Lord." I seriously cannot remember where exactly I saw this or heard this even, but it came to me, out of nowhere. And in Isaiah, it's known as the wonder and awe of God. The beginning of wisdom. Strangely, Aunt Florence shared something with us after Praise & Worship that night, something about her daughter's encounter with Mary. To spread the word that there's only one True God. Regardless of any forms of religion one takes after on Earth, the Lord accepts the purest of hearts into His Kingdom. People who do righteous things. I shared this with Wx that very Friday. I've no idea why, but I wanted to.
And it confirmed the belief I held on for years, since thirteen.
If the Lord is merciful, He will welcome anybody, right? But somewhere along the years, that belief got questioned. "Non-Christians go to hell," they say. And it really annoyed me. What about those who led righteous and humble lives? What, they go to hell because they're not Christians? What about Gandhi? Gandhi goes to hell? You got to be joking.
It contradicts the claim that the Lord is merciful. But people tend to be blinded by a lot of things. And I'm thankful I'm not in this. I believe it was planned for the Word to reach my ears. To reaffirm.
There are many ways the Lord wishes to speak to you. But I have been turning away, only wanting to hear what pleases me. And I fell, I've fallen, and I was hurt.
"How many times did it occur to you that this isn't how things are planned out for you? How many times did you feel the uneasiness, the awkwardness, the repulse?"
Since the very start.
I did blame myself for everything, for caving in initially. January 13th. I was filled with regrets. And I'm not sure if I've mentioned before, but I picked out this book "God's daily Promises; for students" way before, I think back in December.
Frankly, I had absolutely no need for any book with regards to religion, because I still have plenty at home, untouched. But I still went ahead and bought it.
"It would be a great investment," came to my mind when I paid the guy.
I didn't really think much into that random thought. I thought of it more like in a "Oh, so compact and handy!" way.
I'll elaborate the readings and you'll understand how God was speaking to me;
January 13 - Absolutes
Today's Promise:
All He does is just and good, and all His commandments are trustworthy.
{ Psalm 111:7 }
If everyone did whatever they wanted, it wouldn't be long before chaos and anarchy would take over.
God promises that when people live by these absolutes, which are found in His Word, individual lives will function better and society as a whole will be a place of order and peace.
-----
That, was exactly what I had been doing - doing anything and everything I wanted, with my own strength. My life wasn't exactly functioning well ever since. And I lost my stand.
January 14 - Regrets
Today's Promise:
Fear not; you will no longer live in shame. Don't be afraid; there is no more disgrace for you. You will no longer remember the shame of your youth.
{ Isaiah 54:4 }
The past is over. Don't live an "if only" life of regret, feeling angry at yourself for what you have done and bitter towards God for allowing you to do it. God doesn't cause sin or regret or mistakes; He washes them away when you ask him to forgive you and help you move on. Focus on God, who knows your future, not on regrets over your past.
-----
My child, knowing all things, I know your most important needs. I want you to gain the perfect and unending joy of Heaven. For this reason, I will place you at times in a spiritual darkness of doubts and confusion. Then again, I will let you enjoy the light of My truth and joy. But through all these changing conditions, remember that My hand is leading you on toward Heaven.
-----
Everything happened for a reason. And what I've mentioned, the book, the uneasiness, the doubts, the confusion, all those were exactly how God is trying, and has been trying, to speak to me. You just got to open your eyes, your ears. I never believe in coincidence. Everything happened for a reason.
And this time, the impact of the fall isn't as great back then. The hurt ended before the weekend, before I even realized it. The tears stopped in two days, amazingly. It has been cushioned, well-padded. It's been easy when you let God bring you back to the start, and show you a replay, the way He wants you to know there should be no regrets.
The immense efforts I've been putting in to maintain this, to maintain something I knew wasn't what I wanted. He knows. I can't hide anything from Him. I honestly did thought I could try, emotions grow, right? Well it did, but only on the superficial surface.
And I've exhausted everything trying to keep it, finally contemplating to change who I am if that would change things.
But that would defy the purpose of my creation.
So I'm glad. He took me out from it. On His accord. I have, and am exhausted. And He knows.
To hold on to the struggles, rejections, and hurling intentions that I had been enduring for the past few months, meant permanent blindness to what He has in store for me.
I've moved on to something greater.
I tried to turn away,
deny the hands You gave,
but You refused to leave my side.
Wonderful God, Wonderful Savior, Wonderful love.
Who could compare?
None can be found.
Wonderful savior, Wonderful God.
P.S. Oh, I'll be using my tumblr more often than here.
It's way easier to blog on the move with tumblr using iPhone.
This is my testimony.
I have been wanting to do this post for really long, since the last Praise & Worship session. To be exact then, it was a week's worth of emotional letdown, but truth be told, I felt nothing. The anointing the day before Praise & Worship itself was beyond your wildest imaginations. I slept really well that night.
"Blessed are the pure in heart, for they shall see God."
{ Matthew 5:8 }
"Fear of the Lord." I seriously cannot remember where exactly I saw this or heard this even, but it came to me, out of nowhere. And in Isaiah, it's known as the wonder and awe of God. The beginning of wisdom. Strangely, Aunt Florence shared something with us after Praise & Worship that night, something about her daughter's encounter with Mary. To spread the word that there's only one True God. Regardless of any forms of religion one takes after on Earth, the Lord accepts the purest of hearts into His Kingdom. People who do righteous things. I shared this with Wx that very Friday. I've no idea why, but I wanted to.
And it confirmed the belief I held on for years, since thirteen.
If the Lord is merciful, He will welcome anybody, right? But somewhere along the years, that belief got questioned. "Non-Christians go to hell," they say. And it really annoyed me. What about those who led righteous and humble lives? What, they go to hell because they're not Christians? What about Gandhi? Gandhi goes to hell? You got to be joking.
It contradicts the claim that the Lord is merciful. But people tend to be blinded by a lot of things. And I'm thankful I'm not in this. I believe it was planned for the Word to reach my ears. To reaffirm.
There are many ways the Lord wishes to speak to you. But I have been turning away, only wanting to hear what pleases me. And I fell, I've fallen, and I was hurt.
"How many times did it occur to you that this isn't how things are planned out for you? How many times did you feel the uneasiness, the awkwardness, the repulse?"
Since the very start.
I did blame myself for everything, for caving in initially. January 13th. I was filled with regrets. And I'm not sure if I've mentioned before, but I picked out this book "God's daily Promises; for students" way before, I think back in December.
Frankly, I had absolutely no need for any book with regards to religion, because I still have plenty at home, untouched. But I still went ahead and bought it.
"It would be a great investment," came to my mind when I paid the guy.
I didn't really think much into that random thought. I thought of it more like in a "Oh, so compact and handy!" way.
I'll elaborate the readings and you'll understand how God was speaking to me;
January 13 - Absolutes
Today's Promise:
All He does is just and good, and all His commandments are trustworthy.
{ Psalm 111:7 }
If everyone did whatever they wanted, it wouldn't be long before chaos and anarchy would take over.
God promises that when people live by these absolutes, which are found in His Word, individual lives will function better and society as a whole will be a place of order and peace.
That, was exactly what I had been doing - doing anything and everything I wanted, with my own strength. My life wasn't exactly functioning well ever since. And I lost my stand.
January 14 - Regrets
Today's Promise:
Fear not; you will no longer live in shame. Don't be afraid; there is no more disgrace for you. You will no longer remember the shame of your youth.
{ Isaiah 54:4 }
The past is over. Don't live an "if only" life of regret, feeling angry at yourself for what you have done and bitter towards God for allowing you to do it. God doesn't cause sin or regret or mistakes; He washes them away when you ask him to forgive you and help you move on. Focus on God, who knows your future, not on regrets over your past.
My child, knowing all things, I know your most important needs. I want you to gain the perfect and unending joy of Heaven. For this reason, I will place you at times in a spiritual darkness of doubts and confusion. Then again, I will let you enjoy the light of My truth and joy. But through all these changing conditions, remember that My hand is leading you on toward Heaven.
Everything happened for a reason. And what I've mentioned, the book, the uneasiness, the doubts, the confusion, all those were exactly how God is trying, and has been trying, to speak to me. You just got to open your eyes, your ears. I never believe in coincidence. Everything happened for a reason.
And this time, the impact of the fall isn't as great back then. The hurt ended before the weekend, before I even realized it. The tears stopped in two days, amazingly. It has been cushioned, well-padded. It's been easy when you let God bring you back to the start, and show you a replay, the way He wants you to know there should be no regrets.
The immense efforts I've been putting in to maintain this, to maintain something I knew wasn't what I wanted. He knows. I can't hide anything from Him. I honestly did thought I could try, emotions grow, right? Well it did, but only on the superficial surface.
And I've exhausted everything trying to keep it, finally contemplating to change who I am if that would change things.
But that would defy the purpose of my creation.
So I'm glad. He took me out from it. On His accord. I have, and am exhausted. And He knows.
To hold on to the struggles, rejections, and hurling intentions that I had been enduring for the past few months, meant permanent blindness to what He has in store for me.
I've moved on to something greater.
I tried to turn away,
deny the hands You gave,
but You refused to leave my side.
Wonderful God, Wonderful Savior, Wonderful love.
Who could compare?
None can be found.
Wonderful savior, Wonderful God.
P.S. Oh, I'll be using my tumblr more often than here.
It's way easier to blog on the move with tumblr using iPhone.
This is my testimony.
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
Turned tables.
My HW111 Partner In Crime,
"We're practically in the same shit."
Monday, Tuesday, we were cool. Wednesday, I found out 'bout you.
Caught my heart by tellin' lies. You weren't what you advertised.
But silly me to believe I was unique. When I'm there, you put on a show.
'Cause what's true about you? Who are you when I'm gone?
Wanted to be with you, don't know what I was on.
Do you know how hard I've tried to become what you want me to be?
Take me, this is all that I've got. This is all that I'm not, all that I'll ever be.
I've got flaws, I've got faults.
We all have our scars.
Come on, just let it go. These are things you can't control.
Your expectations, your explanations, don't make sense to me.
'Cause you got me to forget me, forget him.
You know that's true.
I'm takin' all that I learned from you,
I'll make it something I'll never do.
I can't be who you are,
You taught me how to break a heart.
You weren't what you advertised.
My HW111 Partner In Crime,
"We're practically in the same shit."
Monday, Tuesday, we were cool. Wednesday, I found out 'bout you.
Caught my heart by tellin' lies. You weren't what you advertised.
But silly me to believe I was unique. When I'm there, you put on a show.
'Cause what's true about you? Who are you when I'm gone?
Wanted to be with you, don't know what I was on.
Do you know how hard I've tried to become what you want me to be?
Take me, this is all that I've got. This is all that I'm not, all that I'll ever be.
I've got flaws, I've got faults.
We all have our scars.
Come on, just let it go. These are things you can't control.
Your expectations, your explanations, don't make sense to me.
'Cause you got me to forget me, forget him.
You know that's true.
I'm takin' all that I learned from you,
I'll make it something I'll never do.
I can't be who you are,
You taught me how to break a heart.
You weren't what you advertised.
Sailed ships.
Life throws you a lot of crap sometimes. Take for instance today.
Today, after donkey ages when I finally decided to be environmentally friendly and take the train instead of the car, life throws me ... sweaty armpits.
Being short has its disadvantage.
And then you get this random, faceless stranger in his thirties (LIES! PEDOPHILE! PERVERT! RAPIST!) who thinks he can bribe you with coffee.
Well done.
I am strangely, exceedingly happy for God knows what reason.
I suspect it's due to the four cups of coffee I had since morning.
Explains my presence here at 1.25 A.M.
I have a language test on Wednesday.
So call me, and I'll blow you away with my fluency.
Not.
Indeed, I should be panicking.
School starts at 3.30 P.M. Which is about fourteen hours from now. Which is bad. Because I can't sleep. Caffeine is leaking from every pore, to be honest.
And I consumed too much sugar.
Ice cream. Coffee.
Car wash. Plans.
Thanks for the ride.
Rare Pokemon!
Life throws you a lot of crap sometimes. Take for instance today.
Today, after donkey ages when I finally decided to be environmentally friendly and take the train instead of the car, life throws me ... sweaty armpits.
Being short has its disadvantage.
And then you get this random, faceless stranger in his thirties (LIES! PEDOPHILE! PERVERT! RAPIST!) who thinks he can bribe you with coffee.
Well done.
I am strangely, exceedingly happy for God knows what reason.
I suspect it's due to the four cups of coffee I had since morning.
Explains my presence here at 1.25 A.M.
I have a language test on Wednesday.
So call me, and I'll blow you away with my fluency.
Not.
Indeed, I should be panicking.
School starts at 3.30 P.M. Which is about fourteen hours from now. Which is bad. Because I can't sleep. Caffeine is leaking from every pore, to be honest.
And I consumed too much sugar.
Ice cream. Coffee.
Car wash. Plans.
Thanks for the ride.
Rare Pokemon!
Sunday, January 24, 2010
Burnt Bridges.
Haven't we both heard enough, babe?
This is what we're gonna do.
Let me put my arms around you once more,
There's nothing left here to prove.
Walk away just a little bit slower,
Better hold on tight, will we ever learn to let it go?
Break through to the other side,
I keep on wondering,
When were you ever gonna let me know,
That you just wanted something else in life?
It was so hard when I watched you falling down,
But it was time for you to walk alone.
Just know if you really need a friend,
And you're feeling like you can't go on ...
Just walk back just a little bit faster,
Take my hand, I will blow your fears away.
Break through to the other side,
For bitter or worse, I know you better than anyone else,
And I'll be by your side.
Please don't try and kiss these tears away.
{ Anouk ; For Bitter or Worse }
What do you say, nothing at all.
Haven't we both heard enough, babe?
This is what we're gonna do.
Let me put my arms around you once more,
There's nothing left here to prove.
Walk away just a little bit slower,
Better hold on tight, will we ever learn to let it go?
Break through to the other side,
I keep on wondering,
When were you ever gonna let me know,
That you just wanted something else in life?
It was so hard when I watched you falling down,
But it was time for you to walk alone.
Just know if you really need a friend,
And you're feeling like you can't go on ...
Just walk back just a little bit faster,
Take my hand, I will blow your fears away.
Break through to the other side,
For bitter or worse, I know you better than anyone else,
And I'll be by your side.
Please don't try and kiss these tears away.
{ Anouk ; For Bitter or Worse }
What do you say, nothing at all.
Thursday, January 21, 2010
The smallest steps.
I'm not the type who reads random strangers' blogs, but it so happened that when I was reading one of my subscriptions, there was a link to show where the quoted inspiration came from. Something to do with 'inner jerk' in the supposed 'nice' guys. So being inquisitive, I clicked on it. (I expected it to be some feminist post and/ or views.)
Surprisingly, it was an Asian guy's blog. Not a feminist. To be honest, I've no idea who he is. Except that he is some Herrick from California. But the thing is, I kept going back to his blog, because whatever he was writing about in that particular post, made me stopped and question his intentions.
Why would he write something against his own kind? And why would he put down the "Nice Guys" when I (and not surprisingly many other readers) would easily classify him under the "Nice Guy" category?
And yes, I checked back on his older posts. His intimate and sincere posts are what kept me busy for the past few days. I won't put his link down for his sake. It might be a private blog for all I know.
But here's a screen shot:
It's pretty big when you click on it though. Sorry : /
Oh, and he said this (struck me pretty hard) -
"When you love someone for a reason, you're using your mind. When you love someone for no reason, you're using your heart."
Trust me, sometimes using your heart may not always be the right decision. But for the benefit of doubt, if you're wondering what "loving someone for no reason" and "using your heart" means, I'll gladly dissect that for you.
One, you can never put into words why you love someone, especially when others ask you for the reason. Very likely, you'll end it with a "I don't know ... " after saying so much yet so little.
Two, you're someone who love with your heart if you feel that "I love you" are just three over-used words, and though you use them, you know you meant more than that. Because you urge to show it. Bad.
And three, you never ask for anything in return.
But trust me, folks, be selfish.
Use your damn head to think.
I just can't think of any names to call myself right now says:
when you thought all the nice guys gone extinct right,
God throws in one bunch to prove you wrong.
I just can't think of any names to call myself right now says:
so don't give up on guys hor. we nice guys still exist! lol!
(...)
Lynette (bah) says:
go away.
I'm not the type who reads random strangers' blogs, but it so happened that when I was reading one of my subscriptions, there was a link to show where the quoted inspiration came from. Something to do with 'inner jerk' in the supposed 'nice' guys. So being inquisitive, I clicked on it. (I expected it to be some feminist post and/ or views.)
Surprisingly, it was an Asian guy's blog. Not a feminist. To be honest, I've no idea who he is. Except that he is some Herrick from California. But the thing is, I kept going back to his blog, because whatever he was writing about in that particular post, made me stopped and question his intentions.
Why would he write something against his own kind? And why would he put down the "Nice Guys" when I (and not surprisingly many other readers) would easily classify him under the "Nice Guy" category?
And yes, I checked back on his older posts. His intimate and sincere posts are what kept me busy for the past few days. I won't put his link down for his sake. It might be a private blog for all I know.
But here's a screen shot:
It's pretty big when you click on it though. Sorry : /
Oh, and he said this (struck me pretty hard) -
"When you love someone for a reason, you're using your mind. When you love someone for no reason, you're using your heart."
Trust me, sometimes using your heart may not always be the right decision. But for the benefit of doubt, if you're wondering what "loving someone for no reason" and "using your heart" means, I'll gladly dissect that for you.
One, you can never put into words why you love someone, especially when others ask you for the reason. Very likely, you'll end it with a "I don't know ... " after saying so much yet so little.
Two, you're someone who love with your heart if you feel that "I love you" are just three over-used words, and though you use them, you know you meant more than that. Because you urge to show it. Bad.
And three, you never ask for anything in return.
But trust me, folks, be selfish.
Use your damn head to think.
I just can't think of any names to call myself right now says:
when you thought all the nice guys gone extinct right,
God throws in one bunch to prove you wrong.
I just can't think of any names to call myself right now says:
so don't give up on guys hor. we nice guys still exist! lol!
(...)
Lynette (bah) says:
go away.
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
S'mores and bonfire.
Uncle Mr. Skinny gets on my nerves a lot. Hell, most of the time, to be honest. He's probably reading this, but I don't care. Putting aside the fact that we share the same birthday, and my intentional denial that we could possibly share the same (general) personalities, he screws with my mind. Not in the literal sense, but he says stuff that makes me want to stab him.
And please, I don't wish to list the personality traits he could possibly share in common with me. Number one, that would defeat my purposeful denial, and number two, it will make me suicidal.
Put it this way. There is no romanticism going on, but he stuck around pretty long, long enough to know what the crap is going on in my life. He made his grand appearance only recently. Perfect timing, huh. Stalker.
Either that, or he's too free in camp.
No, wait, that's not my point. I don't know what my point is, or rather, I refuse to state my point. But I know enough the degree of such friendship,
and I appreciate it
...
Although his towering 183cm height threatens little midget me, who stands only at 154cm. Standing beside him for barely five minutes, with the 'close to 30cm' difference in height, is enough to put me in depression, thank you. Not forgetting the thought of his long-enough fingers jabbing my ribs because I refuse to sit still and stay focus (sometimes I suspect I have Attention-Deficit Disorder), it makes me want to stab him even more.
But other than the sadistic thought of stabbing him and my permanent state of denial, with the never-ending urge to pick fights with him, he's probably one hell of a friend.
Still, I never fail to question his sexual orientation. But that's for another day's worth of story.
And I had solely written about Mr. Skinny in this entry not because I appreciate his efforts more than the others, but because of my ever-burning desire to stab him. I don't really have this strong a passion to stab others as much.
Very much as I would refrain from contradicting my permanent state of denial, I would still, very reluctantly you must understand, say that I stand strong in my belief that opposites attract, and the likes always repel. Hence, I close my case.
That aside. Praise the Lord, I got the desired time slot for HW111, and I can actually free up Tuesdays now, if I drop my last minute desperate choice of Spatial Information Science. I've absolutely no idea what that is, and I took it because of peer pressure.
SPATIAL INFORMATION SCIENCE (Civil Engineering)
General Education in: Science, Technology & Society
Geographical Information System (GIS) and Global Positioning System (GPS). Spatial Data Structures. Data Acquisition and Management Techniques. Geo-Rferencing. Solving Spatial problems. Applications with Global Positioning System and Geographical Information System.
Hey, what the crap?
Nobody told me it was engineering!
And please, I don't wish to list the personality traits he could possibly share in common with me. Number one, that would defeat my purposeful denial, and number two, it will make me suicidal.
Put it this way. There is no romanticism going on, but he stuck around pretty long, long enough to know what the crap is going on in my life. He made his grand appearance only recently. Perfect timing, huh. Stalker.
Either that, or he's too free in camp.
No, wait, that's not my point. I don't know what my point is, or rather, I refuse to state my point. But I know enough the degree of such friendship,
and I appreciate it
...
Although his towering 183cm height threatens little midget me, who stands only at 154cm. Standing beside him for barely five minutes, with the 'close to 30cm' difference in height, is enough to put me in depression, thank you. Not forgetting the thought of his long-enough fingers jabbing my ribs because I refuse to sit still and stay focus (sometimes I suspect I have Attention-Deficit Disorder), it makes me want to stab him even more.
But other than the sadistic thought of stabbing him and my permanent state of denial, with the never-ending urge to pick fights with him, he's probably one hell of a friend.
Still, I never fail to question his sexual orientation. But that's for another day's worth of story.
And I had solely written about Mr. Skinny in this entry not because I appreciate his efforts more than the others, but because of my ever-burning desire to stab him. I don't really have this strong a passion to stab others as much.
Very much as I would refrain from contradicting my permanent state of denial, I would still, very reluctantly you must understand, say that I stand strong in my belief that opposites attract, and the likes always repel. Hence, I close my case.
That aside. Praise the Lord, I got the desired time slot for HW111, and I can actually free up Tuesdays now, if I drop my last minute desperate choice of Spatial Information Science. I've absolutely no idea what that is, and I took it because of peer pressure.
SPATIAL INFORMATION SCIENCE (Civil Engineering)
General Education in: Science, Technology & Society
Geographical Information System (GIS) and Global Positioning System (GPS). Spatial Data Structures. Data Acquisition and Management Techniques. Geo-Rferencing. Solving Spatial problems. Applications with Global Positioning System and Geographical Information System.
Hey, what the crap?
Nobody told me it was engineering!
Monday, January 18, 2010
To the cross.
I drove to school this morning. The morning traffic ... sigh, no comments. Stuck in the jam for so long, and holy crap, it's still so damn bloody early. So I'm sitting at Macs, drinking coffee. This is such a disaster, I don't even know where my class is. And it's so damn cold. Gah!
I have a language class later on, and I'm dressed for bed. Long sleeves and black boy-cut shorts, sigh. I'm prepared to go to class and sleep. Should have brought a blankie out, damn it.
Social research is such a ... I can't believe they have readings on social research. And I don't mean people writing about their own researches and findings, but like, a whole paper dedicated to how to go about doing research. What is this? Instruction menu? Really, I don't do menus. I'm shredding this crap.
And I think I'll attend the Praise and Worship session tomorrow.
Sigh, I wish she'll hold a concert here.
My coffee's cold.
I drove to school this morning. The morning traffic ... sigh, no comments. Stuck in the jam for so long, and holy crap, it's still so damn bloody early. So I'm sitting at Macs, drinking coffee. This is such a disaster, I don't even know where my class is. And it's so damn cold. Gah!
I have a language class later on, and I'm dressed for bed. Long sleeves and black boy-cut shorts, sigh. I'm prepared to go to class and sleep. Should have brought a blankie out, damn it.
Social research is such a ... I can't believe they have readings on social research. And I don't mean people writing about their own researches and findings, but like, a whole paper dedicated to how to go about doing research. What is this? Instruction menu? Really, I don't do menus. I'm shredding this crap.
And I think I'll attend the Praise and Worship session tomorrow.
Sigh, I wish she'll hold a concert here.
My coffee's cold.
Saturday, January 16, 2010
Issac.
Informed Keeliang I would no longer be attending church and cell. And I explained myself. Told him that I made this decision, so Glen would be able to go for services as normal. He would definitely feel more comfortable with the university group than the working group. And he will need the support when his mom's gone back.
Sigh.
I can't believe right up till this very moment, I still thought of his interests before mine. And I still worry about him. I've gotten so used to being there for him, thinking about his every needs.
Has he eaten? Did he eat well? Is he full? Slept well? How was school? Stressful? Okay, time to let him go back to gaming. It's alright, Lynette. This is his refuge, remember? Don't feel sad. People forget promises all the time. You forget promises too, right? So just, uh, go find some stuff to do, or something.
Stop this nonsense, Lynette!
Remember, you are only a substitute.
You got that big, ugly bruise on your feet because you were careless. You were spacing out. You let that suicide computer freefall a metre onto your feet. Who's going to pity you now? Is worrying and caring about his interests worth it now that you're limping?
You're not his mom. This is never your job. You have been foolishly doing the job for his mom. You're nothing but a tool. Tools don't have feelings. Tools are meant to be manipulated. All you've been doing, looking after his needs, protecting him, accepting him, being with him because you worry he's lonely, were you ever appreciated? So why are you trying to please this earthly being? She is not God.
His real mom is back in his life. So it's time you get out. You'll never have much of a say in his life anyway. Don't be stupid. You'd accommodated enough.
You're brave, remember that. Because no matter how scared you are of the dark, how scared you are walking home alone on that empty pavement in the dark, you always made your way home, safely, all by yourself. You never imposed on him to see you home. Because reaching home early meant he can seek refuge after the day. You never minded. Never complained again. You'd accommodated. And you have been protecting yourself well, Lynette.
Glen never had the right to ask you to change anything about yourself. You never demanded him to change who he really is, under a subtle "or else ..." situation. So remember, if he loved you enough, treasured you enough, accepted who you are, he won't be wanting you to change. At all.
Don't blame him. He's only confused and controlled.
Thank him instead. He did what you could never bring yourself to do.
You pretend to be weak. So in contrast, you make people feel so strong. You save people by letting them save you. All you have to do is be fragile and continue with the pretense. So stay the underdog ... you're the proof of their courage. The proof they were a hero. Evidence of their success ... you might be the one good deed, the deathbed memory that justifies their entire existence.
You loved him enough, and you played your part, Lynette.
He lost you.
Informed Keeliang I would no longer be attending church and cell. And I explained myself. Told him that I made this decision, so Glen would be able to go for services as normal. He would definitely feel more comfortable with the university group than the working group. And he will need the support when his mom's gone back.
Sigh.
I can't believe right up till this very moment, I still thought of his interests before mine. And I still worry about him. I've gotten so used to being there for him, thinking about his every needs.
Has he eaten? Did he eat well? Is he full? Slept well? How was school? Stressful? Okay, time to let him go back to gaming. It's alright, Lynette. This is his refuge, remember? Don't feel sad. People forget promises all the time. You forget promises too, right? So just, uh, go find some stuff to do, or something.
Stop this nonsense, Lynette!
Remember, you are only a substitute.
You got that big, ugly bruise on your feet because you were careless. You were spacing out. You let that suicide computer freefall a metre onto your feet. Who's going to pity you now? Is worrying and caring about his interests worth it now that you're limping?
You're not his mom. This is never your job. You have been foolishly doing the job for his mom. You're nothing but a tool. Tools don't have feelings. Tools are meant to be manipulated. All you've been doing, looking after his needs, protecting him, accepting him, being with him because you worry he's lonely, were you ever appreciated? So why are you trying to please this earthly being? She is not God.
His real mom is back in his life. So it's time you get out. You'll never have much of a say in his life anyway. Don't be stupid. You'd accommodated enough.
You're brave, remember that. Because no matter how scared you are of the dark, how scared you are walking home alone on that empty pavement in the dark, you always made your way home, safely, all by yourself. You never imposed on him to see you home. Because reaching home early meant he can seek refuge after the day. You never minded. Never complained again. You'd accommodated. And you have been protecting yourself well, Lynette.
Glen never had the right to ask you to change anything about yourself. You never demanded him to change who he really is, under a subtle "or else ..." situation. So remember, if he loved you enough, treasured you enough, accepted who you are, he won't be wanting you to change. At all.
Don't blame him. He's only confused and controlled.
Thank him instead. He did what you could never bring yourself to do.
You pretend to be weak. So in contrast, you make people feel so strong. You save people by letting them save you. All you have to do is be fragile and continue with the pretense. So stay the underdog ... you're the proof of their courage. The proof they were a hero. Evidence of their success ... you might be the one good deed, the deathbed memory that justifies their entire existence.
You loved him enough, and you played your part, Lynette.
He lost you.
posted by Lynette # 12:30:00 AM
Thursday, January 14, 2010
Because there's beauty.
I don't know how to describe my emotions right now. They are easy to observe, but words can't quite accurately describe how I feel. It's not often this happens, but I'm going with it. I'm trying to flow with it.
I feel alone (not lonely) for the first time in a long time. Glen no longer lingers in the back of my mind. He does not consume my daydreams. I'm okay on my own. I can make it on my own.
Glen was always in my plans. Whenever I was worried about my future plans, who I will end up with, I would think of Glen. I think of him all the time. I would imagine the two of us growing old with one another. I would imagine a life of travel and art and music and love.
Those dreams aren't there anymore. I feel liberated.
I'm changing before I have to face the world independently. This is an important time in my life. I lost Glen, but somehow, I feel like I gained so much more.
It brought me so much closer to God. The yearning, the sudden hunger, I never thought it could exist.
P.S. Dear Glen, all I can ask for right now, is for us to be mature adults, handle this well, and to continue attending church and cell group still. Don't let such letdown affect any of our relationship with God. As much as you don't wish that for me, neither do I for you. Hope to see you at church and cell group, Glen.
Living on God's daily promises.
I don't know how to describe my emotions right now. They are easy to observe, but words can't quite accurately describe how I feel. It's not often this happens, but I'm going with it. I'm trying to flow with it.
I feel alone (not lonely) for the first time in a long time. Glen no longer lingers in the back of my mind. He does not consume my daydreams. I'm okay on my own. I can make it on my own.
Glen was always in my plans. Whenever I was worried about my future plans, who I will end up with, I would think of Glen. I think of him all the time. I would imagine the two of us growing old with one another. I would imagine a life of travel and art and music and love.
Those dreams aren't there anymore. I feel liberated.
I'm changing before I have to face the world independently. This is an important time in my life. I lost Glen, but somehow, I feel like I gained so much more.
It brought me so much closer to God. The yearning, the sudden hunger, I never thought it could exist.
P.S. Dear Glen, all I can ask for right now, is for us to be mature adults, handle this well, and to continue attending church and cell group still. Don't let such letdown affect any of our relationship with God. As much as you don't wish that for me, neither do I for you. Hope to see you at church and cell group, Glen.
Living on God's daily promises.
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
Dressed up as life.
She said, I'm not pointing fingers,
He said, yes you are,
'cause you wouldn't bring it up if you weren't.
If I'd told you I'd been waking up
in the dark night thinking,
I can't change, what's done is done,
but I can tell you this.
Not a day goes by
that I don't curse myself and all my sins,
I need you to hold on too,
while this part of me is dying.
Though I haven't kicked the demons that haunt me,
I'm trying, I'm trying.
But you're not helping.
She said, I'm not pointing fingers,
He said, yes you are,
'cause you wouldn't bring it up if you weren't.
If I'd told you I'd been waking up
in the dark night thinking,
I can't change, what's done is done,
but I can tell you this.
Not a day goes by
that I don't curse myself and all my sins,
I need you to hold on too,
while this part of me is dying.
Though I haven't kicked the demons that haunt me,
I'm trying, I'm trying.
But you're not helping.
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
Near to you, I am healing.
You and I have something different,
and I'm enjoying it cautiously.
I'm battle scarred,
but I am working so hard,
to get back to who I used to be.
Something went wrong,
You're not laughing.
It's not so easy now to get you to smile.
You gotta be strong,
To walk these streets,
And keep from falling.
But when you're not,
just let yourself cry.
Trying to draw the line
between who you are and who you invent.
But if you throw a stone,
Something's gonna shatter somewhere.
We're all so fragile,
We're all so scared.
You say you wanna learn,
how to live your life without tears.
But we've been trying to do that,
for thousands of years.
So go on and cry, Ophelia.
It's the only thing to do sometimes.
You know I'm crying too,
right there with you.
It's alright, Ophelia,
Everybody cries.
Thank God for my bad memory,
I've forgotten some of the stupid things that I've done.
I've come to a little wisdom through a whole lot of failure.
So I watch more carefully what rolls off my tongue.
You pray for rain,
But you don't want it from a storm.
Yeah, you find a rose,
And cut your finger on a thorn.
It's alright, Ophelia,
Everybody cries.
Cry, Ophelia, I'm crying too.
You and I have something different,
and I'm enjoying it cautiously.
I'm battle scarred,
but I am working so hard,
to get back to who I used to be.
Something went wrong,
You're not laughing.
It's not so easy now to get you to smile.
You gotta be strong,
To walk these streets,
And keep from falling.
But when you're not,
just let yourself cry.
Trying to draw the line
between who you are and who you invent.
But if you throw a stone,
Something's gonna shatter somewhere.
We're all so fragile,
We're all so scared.
You say you wanna learn,
how to live your life without tears.
But we've been trying to do that,
for thousands of years.
So go on and cry, Ophelia.
It's the only thing to do sometimes.
You know I'm crying too,
right there with you.
It's alright, Ophelia,
Everybody cries.
Thank God for my bad memory,
I've forgotten some of the stupid things that I've done.
I've come to a little wisdom through a whole lot of failure.
So I watch more carefully what rolls off my tongue.
You pray for rain,
But you don't want it from a storm.
Yeah, you find a rose,
And cut your finger on a thorn.
It's alright, Ophelia,
Everybody cries.
Cry, Ophelia, I'm crying too.
Friday, January 1, 2010
Hair Dance.
"People are going to disappoint you,"
I get that, and I kind of expect that.
And then you wake up one day and realize,
you're the disappointment.
I'm done being a disappointment.
So let's toast to the new year the lists that we hold in our fist,
of the things that we promised to do differently next time.
And this is my promise to you.
"People are going to disappoint you,"
I get that, and I kind of expect that.
And then you wake up one day and realize,
you're the disappointment.
I'm done being a disappointment.
So let's toast to the new year the lists that we hold in our fist,
of the things that we promised to do differently next time.
And this is my promise to you.
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